Five Minute Angel Parodies
by Colin Xavier
Summary: Season Five


**Conviction**

Vampire: You will be made into a vampire... or not. Resistance is futile.  
Cliché Blonde: Please! I'll do anything!  
Vampire: You could scream.  
Cliché Blonde: AIEEEEEE!  
Vampire: I love it when they scream.  
Angel: Yeah? Well, I don't! (BAM!)

Cliché Blonde: You saved me!  
Angel: You know what? I shouldn't have.  
Cliché Blonde: Huh?  
Angel: You really, really hurt my super-sensitive hearing, you know that!  
Cliché Blonde: I'm sorry.  
Angel: You should be! Oh, and by the way, you're safe now yada yada yada... now if I can just get home without anymore loud.  
W&H Employees Cars: (Sscccreeeeech)  
W&H Employees: Mr Angel! Mr Angel! Mr Angel!  
Angel: AARGHH! Kill! Murder! Maim! Photographer: Ooh, that's the stuff baby, just the image you need to... HELP!

Fred: Ha! Ha! Ha! The power my lab can create!  
Gunn: Oooh, what does this button do?  
Fred: No! Don't.  
BOOM!

Fred: He blew up the lab! He blew up the lab! Wesley: Tsk, tsk, awful! What did you ever see in him?  
Fred: The lab! The lab! That dolt!  
Wesley: Perhaps you should set your sights on someone smarter, you know like.  
Fred: Knox! Wesley: I was actually referring to.  
Knox: Hello, one and all!  
Wesley: Oh, it's you.  
Fred: Go ahead, insult me on going nineteen days without blowing up the lab.  
Knox: Yeah, it was a record.  
Fred: You don't have to be insulting.  
Wesley: Exactly, you're fired.  
Knox: No, I meant that nineteen days is the longest anyones gone without blowing up the lab, when they're new. You're like, the champion.  
Fred: Oh, that's so sweet!  
Wesley: You're still fired.

Gunn: Whoa, mountains.  
Wesley: But why can't I fire Knox?  
Gunn: I don't know.  
Wesley: You don't know anything.  
Gunn: I resent that!  
Wesley: What are going to do? Hit me?  
Gunn: Maybe I will!  
Angel: Hey you guys, know what happened to me last night?  
Gunn: Yes.  
Angel: Oh great, does everybody know? Is there an invisible camera following me around, telling the world what I'm doing every second of every minute of every hour of every day?! Is that it? Huh? Is it? Is it? Wesley: He thinks the world revolves around him.  
Gunn: Wait, aren't we flat?

Angel: Hey you, random employee.  
Random employee: Er... me?  
Angel: You know everything about me, don't you? They must have told you everything there is to know. You must have giggled real hard when you found out I can't perform. You probably got together with the other employees behind my back, called me Mr. Impotent and laughed "ha ha ha.  
RE: Actually sir, I don't care about your personal life at all. Angel: Huh... that was so mean.  
RE: Uh, I'm sorry?  
Angel: No, its not your fault. You're just evil.  
RE: I am?  
Angel: You all are! Everybody in this building is! And I'm going to kill every one of them! Starting with you! (BAM! BAM! BAM)  
RE: AAAAAAHHHH!

Gunn: Angel, we know because you were on the news last night.  
Angel: I was? Why didn't anybody tell me!  
Gunn: I'm telling you now.  
Angel: Geez Gunn, took your sweet time didn't you? I thought you were at least a little smarter than that, apparently I was wrong.  
Gunn: Why you... you will... all of you... Duh!  
Wesley: Oh quit your whining.  
Gunn: Me? Quit MY whining? You are like the champion!  
Wesley: Am not.  
Gunn: Are too.  
Wesley: Am not.  
Gunn: Are too.  
Angel: Yes folks, these are the smart mature individuals that are running Wolfram & Hart with me, I am oh so doomed.  
Gunn: I remember something about a baby, betrayal and necks.  
Wesley: Well, I seem to have forgotten all about that! Angel: Yes he has, and I had nothing to do with that. Nothing at all, no siree bob.

Eve: I'll be your liaison to the senior partners.  
Wesley: Okay, we got barbie-girl here, where's the ken-doll.  
Eve: He got a better offer at a Boston firm.  
Angel: Alright Eve, now get out. I have more important matters to attend to.

Angel: What do you mean we have no VCR's? Surely somebody recorded my TV spot.  
RE: You just broke my front teeth!  
Angel: So what? You evil types have dental insurance, suck it up. Now what about my VCR?  
RE: Sir, We have Tivos now. It's all there at a push of a button.  
Angel: So if I press this button... hey, its all gone!  
RE: That was the "Delete all" button sir.  
Angel: You're fired.  
RE: Er, what sir?  
Security: May we begin standard firing procedures?  
Angel: Fine, just get him out of here.  
RE: Standard fining... NO! NO!  
Angel: Yes yes, I know. I was a great boss to work with and you'll hate to leave.  
RE: Don't take me away! Have mercy! Mercy!  
Angel: The pain will ease with time.

Gunn: Everybody thinks I'm dumb.  
Eve: Yes, everybody thinks you're dumb.  
Gunn: How dare you say such a thing!  
Eve: Look, how about we make you smart? That'll teach them a lesson.  
Gunn: Smart? Yeah! Lets do this! Where're the books!  
Eve: You really are a piece of work aren't you?

Angel: (Picks up phone) Hello? (Presses) can I get some coffee?  
RE: AAAHHHH! (Crashes into office, completely in flames) AAAHHHH! (Jumps out window)  
Angel: (Puts down phone) I'm never touching that phone again.

Harmony: I'm your new secretary.  
Angel: Out with the stakes! It's evil Harmony!  
Wesley: No, no, I hired her.  
Angel: Out with the stakes! It's evil Wesley!

Angel: Okay, you two are not evil, except for her, no offense.  
Harmony: None taken.  
Angel: I'm just glad since this is a Buffyverse season premiere, there won't be any end of the world type nonsense.  
Corben Fries: If you lawyers don't do a better job defending me, I'll release my deadly virus and destroy the world!  
Harmony: Shouldn't we stop Angel from banging his head against the wall?  
Wesley: It's better if you get used to it.

Angel: But he's a evil son of scum! Why can't I hit him?  
Wesley: Because he might commit mass genocide.  
Angel: Uh huh, so you're saying I should kill him? I like it.  
Wesley: Angel, don't argue with my infallible logic. You may hit Spanky if you wish.  
Angel: Spanky?  
Wesley: Yes, he's.  
Angel: I don't care who he is!

Spanky: Why are you hitting me!  
Angel: Shut up and talk!

Fred: So Knox, are you evil?  
Knox: .  
Fred: Knox?  
Knox: Say something, say anything. Words... Just words.. any words will do!... We've contained more plagues than we've spread!  
Fred: You've spread plagues!  
Knox: Banana Hammock, always use banana hammock.

Spanky: There, I've told you everything. Can I go now?  
Angel: His son?! You put it in his son?!! I'll kill you!  
Spanky: Mommy!

Knox: La la la! Laaaaaaaaa! La la la! Fred: Are you absolutely, positively, without a doubt, sure that he's clean?  
Loren: Yes, I'm sure! I think.

Angel Okay people, lets move! Fred, I want you to contain this thing if it gets out.  
Fred: Already on it.  
Angel Wesley, Take this gun and shoot Fries if he's found guilty.  
Wesley: Right.  
Angel: Lorne, Take this gun and shoot Wesley, if he misses.  
Wesley: I'm not going to miss!  
Angel: Now you have incentive.

Harmony: Angel! Angel: Silence woman!  
Harmony: But.  
Angel I said, be quiet!  
Harmony: The assault team has gone to kill the son!  
Angel: Wha? Next time you delay information like that, you're fired! Now I've got to hurry! Hmm... which car should I take?  
Harmony: Boss?  
Angel: What?

Agent H: Kill all the kids! Go! Go! Go! Agent D: Hey! There aren't any kids here! Just a big fat one.  
Angel: I got a helicopter! What do you have?  
Agent H: Big, shiny, guns... fire!

Lorne: It's nearly over, make sure you don't miss.  
Wesley: You know, it'll be easier to concentrate if you didn't point that gun at me.  
Lorne: What? You want me to miss?!

Gunn: Charles Gunn!... Charles Gunn, Charles Gunn, Charles Gunn. Judge: What is the meaning of this!  
Gunn: Your honor, I'm Charles Gunn.  
Judge: So I've heard.  
Gunn: Legal blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah.  
Judge: O my gosh! You're right. I declare this trial, a mistrial.  
Lorne: What just happened?  
Wesley: We won.  
Lorne: Like I'm going to fall for that!

Agent H: You slimy fraking little son of a blatch!  
Angel: Little? Little!  
Agent H: I'll kill you!  
Angel: Aren't we going to have a talk about conviction and mercy first?  
Agent H: Aaah!  
(BAM)  
Agent H: (Drops dead)  
Angel: Guess not.

Angel: How dare you experiment on my people, behind my back!  
Gunn: Hey, I'm okay. Besides.  
Angel: Quiet Gunn! This doesn't concern you.  
Eve: Gunn did the procedure on his own free will, and while I'm on the subject, might I remind you about your own deal regarding mind.  
Angel: All right already!

Angel: Alright, I've had it with being negative! From now on, I'll be the uber-positive type person. We do the job, one thing at a time. We'll deal with whatever comes next, positively.  
(BANG! Swirling smoke)  
Angel: Why is the universe against me!  
Spike: Aaaaaaarrrrr!  
Wesley: Spike?  
Angel: Spike!  
Harmony: Blondie Bear?!


End file.
